Helping Someone Step Away From The Edge: An Autistic Perspective On Preventing Suicide

by Eric E. Cane

Someone pointed out on X (formerly Twitter) that there were about 50,000 suicides in 2023. The comments section showed people were struggling to understand such a thing, how to reduce that number, used it as a launching point to express their belief that it was one political party or another that was the cause (mind you, I don’t believe they were actually thinking it was a cause more that just a platform to express their political viewpoints, which is like a cancer unto itself in my opinion), some making bold statements that lack of (fill in the blank) religion was the cause, not even thinking that religion could actually BE a cause for depression and suicide. I had to get out of that comments section and write because of the anger and frustration I was feeling.

I think it just needs to be clearly stated: leave your religious platform and your political platform out of the discussion of suicide. This does nothing to people thinking of suicide other than to push them further into areas that might actually increase ideation.

How can I talk about this? I was suicidal in my life. I’ve attempted it more than once and through sheer luck and strange happenstance, things didn’t go as planned. There were specific times when there was no plan, only the overpowering emotional drive and struggle to not want to be alive anymore, where the body starts actions that lead to your end, but your brain “luckily” catches up to what’s happening at the very last moment and intervenes in time with such shock that all the rawness of life comes roaring into your body to let you know you were seconds from no longer existing.

If it wasn’t for two close friends, I wouldn’t be here today.

I’m sweating as I write this. Very few people who know me would have any clue I have struggled with this. I don’t want to let people know about this at all, but I was also so frustrated and angry with the responses and lack of information and understanding out there that I felt I had to say something.

First things first: It’s not about how much you love those around you, it’s not about being able to think of other people or something other than yourself and what you are feeling. When you are in the downslide of depression so great as to remove you from this life, there isn’t the capacity to think of anyone else, how it would affect them, what would life be without you, etc. The powerful grip of that puts you in a state where you absolutely care about nothing but ending your life — nothing else gets through.

The most important safety measure for someone facing this as a friend or as the person in such throes, is to have a net of support that actually can get in BEFORE one gets to that state of no return.

Not a SINGLE word from friends other than “I’m here for you” got through before my last downslide. And it wasn’t lip service from them. It was truly “we will stop everything in our lives to be there for you: jobs, family gatherings, business meetings, trips — anything. We will be there for you, just call. We can call, text or in any way that works for you just to check up on you. Tell us what you would like. Actually, you don’t even have to think about it, we’ll just check in on you. Just know that we are here any time of day or night.”

This was important to me on levels of which I had no prior understanding. I truly didn’t realize people would do that for me. That I was important enough for them to stop their lives for whatever time was required to make sure I had support from them with their non-judgmental presence.

They literally did not have to say anything in my presence. Just sitting there with me, quietly, as I worked through it, was so powerful. One of my friends called in to work right then and there to say they weren’t able to make it that day. This was not done in a grudging manner, it was clearly presented that what was going on with me right then and there was the most important thing in their lives at that moment. My shock they would do this for me actually got me out of some of my downward mental spiral.

It was enough to keep me alive.

In such states of depression, there are many things that can make a person feel worse.
- Do not make them feel guiltily that they are not thinking of you or of other people.
- Do not make them feel worse by pointing out the state of political or social problems and how the person actually has it pretty good in comparison.
- Do not make them feel guilty for not being in one religion or another or that they haven’t prayed or meditated and that they need to, that it will help pull them out of it. Instilling guilt or presenting a knowing arrogance will not help. The person will go deeper and quite possibly mask to appease you, only to try something when they are alone again. Because when you don’t listen, the person will feel alone.
- Do not offer them some ephemeral platitudes you read on some social media post that day.
- Do not tell them what is important in life. The person deep in suicidal depression does not have the capacity to care or connect into something that they cannot reach. You have to start from where they are now, and if you don’t understand where they are, you cannot give them accurate directions to go somewhere else.

Do:
- Provide them something to eat or drink. You can set it in front of them even if they don’t know if they want something. Don’t be offended if they don’t eat or drink. Provide without expectation.
- Sit with them and be quiet.
- Take cues from the person and ask questions based on those cues. For instance, I knew that thinking of suicide everyday was not right. I felt that I might need to be institutionalized as I couldn’t stop those thoughts, I couldn’t get out of the cycle. My friend only asked, “Is that what you would like? Maybe that is something that would help. I can call, if you wish or take you?” This response made me look at my situation differently. I had options. They were giving me them without threat, guilt, or knowing arrogance. They let me know they were there in any way I needed them to be.

Just sit down, take cues from the person deep in that state and ask quietly questions that are related to offerings of help. Simply, things you can do to help them.

Ask.

Then let the person think through it because it can get them out of a downward spiral of thinking onto the track of thinking things that might be helpful.

This is huge. Don’t overlook this part.

Let the person work through their solutions — and for crying out loud, DON’T be in a hurry for them to work through this. If you truly intend to stop your life to help someone from ending theirs, then allow them all the time in the world to work through their thoughts.

It can simply be just a matter of time for the emotional storm to subside.

Just offer yourself to sit with them until they work through it. Offer any assistance you can that THEY feel might help themselves. Do not offer things you cannot do or are truly unwilling. This is life and death. All decisions made during this time are that important. Be careful with your words and mean what you say. To do otherwise will lose trust, and that is devastating.

I hated to have to write this, but I felt there was a definite need for it. I’m so sorry for those who didn’t have even this little insight in time to help someone when it was needed. Please share for those who you think really need to hear this, and maybe we can counter some of what makes a situation worse.

Thank you.