Not Seeing Eye-To-Ear: Autism Eye Contact And Attention
by Eric E. Cane
Information overload. Interpretation overload. Fear, anxiety, or pain centers activated.
I really wish people would get over the idea that if you aren’t making eye contact, you somehow aren’t listening or otherwise paying attention. There’s something really wrong even with that statement, when looked at on face value.
I listen with my ears, not my eyes.
I focus much better on what a person is saying if I’m not confronted with all the other details that flood my visual field when observing other humans. And there is so much there that gets in the way from my attention to their choice of words.
For one, there is this overhead of having to remember to give the appearance of looking interested or whatever emotion their words or the situation calls for — and this is based on some good guesswork, detailed analysis, or sheer luck. And sometimes poor luck. Then I have to watch their face for a response that indicates I’ve gotten the right “presentation” so that they aren’t thrown off by something misplaced. Then I have to adapt to this moment to moment.
The overhead is that this is not a natural, reflexive response. It is a detailed study based on a lot of observation and trial and error and has to be brought to bear with every engagement. Every single one. Even with family members or close friends who still hold to the notion of eyes equal attention.
When looking to the side, as my ears are doing their work, I am not actually looking at anything in particular. I let my eyes go where it feels good and where it aids me greatly in visualizing what is being said. I am often looking aside or up or wherever the visuals in my head are displaying the information. I see a big canvas as their words fill it out. And this goes as well for my own replies. I see and feel visuals that then have to be turned into words for my mouth to express.
If I have to look at another person’s eyeballs, then I can’t see what my ears are taking in and creating visually for me. Instead, my brain gets flooded with information and then the parallel task of interpreting the visual clues of the face — which can be dramatic and carry consequences related to inaccurate interpretation. Thus, it can be a painful exercise.
The overall result is I’m reducing my capacity for understanding what is being said — this being the very thing the other person wanted from me in the first place.
I often wonder, would they prefer the *appearance* of understanding or *actually* understanding. I really am at a loss to answer that question. I think I’m afraid of the answer.
I have found a partial appeasement for the eye-watchers (when I remember to do this): I look closer to the side of their body, head — basically an invisible frame around them where I can try to reduce the chatter of their facial expressions and emotional indicators. At times I am successful convincing them (or so I believe) I am looking at their eyes by actually focusing on a space inches in front of their face. It’s like when you let your vision blur by purposefully training this, which isn’t easy. But there is always the easier method of darting to the bridge of their nose, their eyebrows, the corners of their eyes or directly under them in the soft area high on the cheeks.
I don’t think a lot of people understand the large influx of data some autistic people have to process all the time. It doesn’t stop, though hour-to-hour it can be greater or lesser depending on the stress of the moment. The eyes introduce a lot of stress of the moment.
There is a lot conveyed in the tone of one’s voice, and when that is tinged with emotion, then I am challenged with understanding just why or where it is directed. Then their dreaded eyes are so filled with emotions they don’t want you to see, emotions they do, deceit, indifference, or neediness. All of this is such an immense overhead of data that has to be analyzed every single time with every single person — no matter how long I’ve known them.
Sometimes, the exception with long friendships is that you can get away with a lot more because long friendships are where acceptance of your unique qualities is often more the norm. But this is certainly not a hard rule in the slightest. Even family members sometimes prefer the “nothing is different here, let’s just go back to what we’ve always known.” — usually while holding their hands over their ears.
I jest to some degree. (Only a little)
Thank you for reading. Please share if you like my observations and self-analysis. I’m told it’s helping some people. That gives me reason to keep writing about it.
(Post note: With deep research on the subject of eye contact, I have found that a great many species — including in some human cultures — infer that direct eye-to-eye contact is a threat, aggression, or intimidation behavior.
I’ll just leave that there.)
