Silencing the Noise, Saving My Sanity
Noise-canceling headphones experience on the spectrum
By Eric E. Cane
It is a consistent presence, like a gentle rush of warm breath over the teeth of a comb. From my childhood, it is like being warm and cozy inside on a cold winter day, with the wind blowing through large pine trees outside.
That’s the noise-canceling AirPods I finally got after a long research period. Being on the spectrum, nothing is done without deeply searching, reading, watching, and listening exhaustively, before I agonize over the final decision to purchase. I think I made a very good choice.
Silence.
I can barely hear the usually loud air conditioner, the fan clicking overhead (can’t hear that at all). Just the soft rush of wind that is pleasing and somehow puts me in a bubble where I can finally think.
I have sensory issues. I hate to let anyone know, but I think it will help people understand a little more about what that means by sharing the following: I have thought about damaging my hearing purposely to the point where I couldn’t hear any more. This is not a current thought, but one brought on during a meltdown period. I can’t tell you how close I came to acting on what I was planning.
Clearly, I had to have been in a bad place for such thoughts. The intensity of sounds coming from all over — the seemingly relentless onslaught — is a live wire to my nerves, my skin, my thoughts. I’m sweating right now even as I write about it, recalling it. I have to breathe and return to the wind in the pine trees.
I could list for you all the things that hit me at the very intense moments, when I plea internally for silence. But, well, let’s put it in another perspective. Many of you may have been in the woods, or somewhere in nature, and have been stung repeatedly by mosquitoes, gnats or other insects. Imagine that escalating to where no matter how much you swat at them or run through the woods to escape them, you only end up finding more and more of them attacking you. And then they are biting inside your brain, where you can’t swat them away.
That feeling of wanting to run screaming is a familiar one.
And, as usual, I hate that I have this. I know that’s a problem all on its own, but, well, one thing at a time.
Right now, I have some peace. I sighed deeply when I first put in the AirPods. It was an unconscious release. A new place for me to expand into, rather than a place that was trying to pressure onto me. I didn’t want to take them out for charging. I’m not even playing anything in them, I am just so much enjoying the quiet.
The quiet.
Sigh.
Addendum:
People may be wondering which headphones I have, which ones I refer to in this article. I have the Apple AirPods Pro 2, usb-c version.
I’ve now had them for over a week. I didn’t realize all the places where I could use them or how much noise I was subjected to on a daily basis — and how that noise was affecting me. Not just noise, the insistence, detail and volume of sound.
There’s an insidious component to sound when you’re hypersensitive to it, and it’s in the fact of how much fatigue it imposes on the listener. Being able to silence the majority of sound when needed, I find such…peace. There’s a whole-body stress level-drop almost instantly when the full noise-cancellation is in effect.
I don’t think I can accurately convey this in words. I let my two close friends wear them and to tell me what they experience with the AirPods activated. One of my friends, who isn’t on the spectrum, found the silencing effect of the headphones to be really strange and slightly disconcerting.
The other friend who is on the spectrum visibly relaxed and smiled in awe. “I didn’t know this was something I needed,” she said. (She has since bought her own pair.)
I think that sums it up for me as well: I didn’t know these were something I needed.
There’s a weight lifted off me when I have them in and they are actively cancelling sound. They even have an adaptive setting, which allows normal sounds, but immediately cancels loud sounds. This setting also gradually increases their noise-cancellation effect with consistent noise like that of a vacuum or a leaf blower or loud tv in another room.
Yeah.
I think the best part of it all is that now I have some control over how I receive my environment, when I wish to intercept it. I’m no longer forced into distraction or need to try to go somewhere deep in my head to escape obtrusive sound. I no longer have to make excuses to leave some noisy area to find solace. I may leave for other reasons, but sound won’t be one of them.
There are other issues, such as harsh lights, uncomfortable textures, scents, and strangers who have no qualms about invading your personal space.
Well, as I said, one thing at a time.
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