The Art of Appearing ‘Normal’ When Autistic: A Checklist

by Eric E. Cane

I was watching a very funny and blue comedian addressing a person in her audience about how that person couldn’t be autistic (as they claimed) because “You’re in this audience, you’re making eye contact…” and a few other things that, to we on the spectrum, shows how well we can fool people.

Certainly, this comedian was uneducated (at that time) about the challenges and chameleon skills we employ to be accepted by the neurotypicals in our lives. I wanted to tell her: “You have no idea what we’re doing to fit in or the stress-decoupling we have to do later as a result.”

I’m going to be a tad humorous here with a list for my autistic kin. They will find some of this funny and, perhaps, a little too close to home. I present this at the expense of a group of “typical” neurotypical based on my many personal encounters with them in my over 50 years on the planet.

A little info on my experience and albeit limited understanding of neurotypicals (I simply haven’t the time to question and examine closely the few billion I wish, so there is that.) In the past, I’ve frequently asked my neurotypical companions, associates, friends, and others how they actually think. Before I was diagnosed autistic, I knew there was something different in how I thought compared to what they were expressing, and I couldn’t leave well enough alone. My questions caught most everyone by surprise, as few hadn’t ever thought about how they actually think. Do they automatically form images in their heads when they hear words as I do? That sort of thing.

I’ve also had a fair share of abusive people in my life including sociopaths, two varieties of narcissists and the like. I got an education I wouldn’t wish on anyone, and based on what I’ve read and watched, it seems many of us on the spectrum fall prey to these types.

On the flip side are those individuals who are not “typical” neurotypicals. These unique and rare specimens express the desire to hug trees, but also to truly understand the people around them without prejudice and with love in their hearts.

This list doesn’t pertain to these kind and beautiful examples of nature.

Take the following with a grain of salt and some humor. If you find yourself in this list, well, there it is :)

The checklist for presenting as neurotypical when at a gathering where you don’t know anyone and wish not to appear as alien as you feel:

• Read the room to gauge your level of expected engagement (physical expressiveness and face display — meaning, general tone the majority are exhibiting and then presenting those features).
• Remember to change your features and expressiveness to keep up with the changes in conversation — resist defaulting back to a flat expression, they will be afraid of it.
• Suppress your stimming, but not so as to appear unnaturally stiff in some way. Kind of like suppressing joy, that sort of thing.
• Determine how much your level of emulating is too much, so that you don’t look like an exact copy of someone you find interesting, attractive, or who you wish to engage with. Emulation is flattering, but less so being a complete duplicate.
• Remember eye contact is important to them (to make them feel safer, less insecure about you), but too much will appear creepy and scare them.
• Modulate your voice with a hint of curiosity in your tone. They tend to find that appealing as it can get them to talk about themselves, which many people like. Just don’t end all your sentences with a big questioning lilt, that can be tiresome to hear.
• If asked a question about yourself, use your practiced script — and make sure it is edited down to the fewest words! You’ll find that some people only ask you the question so you can ask more about them. If not that, then dig a moment to discover exactly what they are asking, as many of them don’t say exactly what they mean. This can be challenging and is a frequent source of frustration.
• Sometimes, people will ask you questions just to keep a conversation going so silence is filled. Many people are uncomfortable with silence. Filling silence can be a control mechanism or a way to let off nervous energy. Just don’t fill the silence with your intense interests in a way that will give away your alien nature.
• Keep things light and generalized. Think of it as floating on the water, adapting to the flow and waves of conversations, while hiding the rest of your iceberg from others. Remember, a good number of people are more than happy to talk about themselves, so you shouldn’t have too much difficulty steering a conversation thusly.
• Have exit strategies planned ahead of time. Relate simple things like, “I have work tomorrow”, “I didn’t get much sleep last night”, “I think I might be fighting off a bug” — if you’re neurodiverse, you no doubt have a nice list you’ve already developed to help you leave a group so you can then recover from the experience.
• Don’t fall for the trap of: “No, I really want to hear about you and what you like. Be completely honest.” Over fifty years of experience in this life has revealed to me that this tends to be a great realization of how much they don’t know about themselves and what they are willing to hear from someone they don’t understand or desire to in that moment. As you blurt out your life story you’ll often find faces going from interest and engagement to one of intense pressure struggling to hold their faces together, and then, “oh, hey! There’s Jane, I have to go say hi.” — leaving you wondering for days what you could’ve said, should’ve said, will or won’t say in the future. The majority of people don’t want a lengthy reveal when first meeting you. They want short, possibly interesting (to them) clip-art conversations.
• Remember to stay curious and display interest in a way that isn’t scary (meaning too focused). Vary your expressions and eye contact, and it will go a long way to their accepting you as human.

I didn’t touch on a lot of the things we have to do to narrow our own sensory discomforts hidden under the above list. And the list is actually a lot more extensive, but it should get the allistic person a better idea of our iceberg floating beneath the waves of their attention and inattention.

We actually prepare like this (and in a ton of other ways)—if we have the gumption to engage in group settings and have enough prep time. It’s a process that gets refined over years and decades to appear “normal” so as not to be subjected to ridicule, hate, aversion.

The issue many of us have is that our scripts can get completely forgotten or jumbled when caught by surprise or even with stress. Stress can come from many of the sensory overload issues we experience all the time or when engaging new people in certain environments.

There are ways we mitigate stress to one degree or another. Generally, it involves good rest before and after the situation, noise-canceling devices, comforting clothing (I didn’t say “comfortable” clothing, which is a byproduct of comforting first), sunglasses or moving to less bright or reflective areas, suppressing our stems, and the like.

In new group settings there are tells we give depending on our level of stress, but generally we can appear “normal enough” for most situations where we have to downplay our brilliant natures so the rest of the people around us are unaware :)

I’ve heard more than one neurotypical respond to our behind-the-eyes calamity and intense work to fit in (as well as using key coping mechanisms in my list) by saying, “Oh, we’re all a little autistic then.”

That’s like saying, “Oh, we’re all a little six-feet tall.”

The very fact that some people think like that only goes to show how much we (for better or worse) can actually hide all the intense struggle we have in simple engagements and in our everyday existence.

To my companion aliens out there, I say you’re doing well in any way you can. Just know that there are more of us out there than is generally known.

I think that’s a comforting thought.

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